A Shocking Statement

Dear diary,

Mama told me that today there were a LOT of people spying on my diary. She says they think it’s very funny, and as you can see I find this to be a shocking statement.

Diary, I thought that you took me seriously. I never write silly things to you. This is where I know I can share my deepest thoughts and feelings and be validated. Now I don’t know whether or not you’ve violated my trust. But if I can’t talk to you, then who?

And besides, as much as I AM surprised that people think I’m funny, the picture above is really from last night. Mama got me new toys. And daddy and I were playing in the living room when she brought them in. Diary – they are round toys, like the balls in my play table. But one of them has TAGS on it. Clearly, that’s what I had laser-focused my gaze on here. I have no idea why mama cuts the tags off of things she buys. Does she not know that she depreciates their value to me when she does that? The ball toys are really good, except that they run away from me when I try to grab them. I push to try to get to them but for some reason they go further away. So I yell at them, and daddy brings them closer. I’m glad I trained him well as early as I did.

Also – could we talk for just a second about these pajamas? I love monkeys as much as the next guy, but the scale of the bananas printed on these jammies in relation to the monkeys is so completely outrageous that it makes me want to write a strongly worded letter to the manufacturer. How do they expect less detail oriented babies to gain an understanding of real life relationships between objects?


Admitting When I’m Wrong


Dear diary,

In the interest of honesty I feel it’s my responsibility to write a correction to one of my previous sentiments.

You may remember that during the carrot/orange cereal debacle I loudly decried that orange food was poison. I felt strongly about this conviction at the time, but subsequent events have altered my perception.

It appears there is more than one orange food. I know this because mama presented me recently with orange cereal again, and of course I tried to refuse it but sadly was unable.

What I discovered, though, was that it.was.DELICIOUS. I gobbled that cereal down grinning the whole time! The next day, mama didn’t even mix the orange stuff with cereal, she gave it to me straight, and I ate with gusto! Since then I have been eating this delicious stuff – mama calls it sweet tatoes – excitedly every time she presents it. I wave my arms and squeal at her to make sure she understands it’s great. She’s not always the smartest, you know.

So that’s all. I wanted to tell you that even though I still strongly believe that carrots are of the devil, sweet tatoes are fantastic.


Near Death Experience


Dear diary,

Yesterday Mama tried to kill me. Twice.

Are you listening?

We went to the place with the big tub again. I like that place, except I don’t like the little room with no windows because there’s nothing fun to do in there. When we got into the big tub, and sang that weird song about the bus and mama made me make the motions. It was a little bit goofy but I played along.

I digress. Mama murder. So I was just floating along in the giant tub, playing with a ducky (I couldn’t find my octopus friend. Disappointing.). That man, Chris, who makes us sing the bus song, he started talking to all the big people. I wasn’t listening very closely, but I heard him say “dunk.” I thought it was weird he was talking about that place where mama gets the big white cup of HOTHOTDON’TTOUCH, but grown ups are weird.

Then, mama put me all the way up to my shoulders in the pool. She was still talking to That Man, asking him a question. Then, suddenly, she blew in my face and tried to kill me. it only lasted a second and I wasn’t sure what had happened. My whole head was all wet, and I think I ate a little bit of the pool. It didn’t taste good, so I choked and spit it out.

Everything seemed fine after that, but a while later she tried to kill me again. Both times when I came up from the water she was yelling “yay!” I’m not sure if it was because she was happy I was alive, or because she had successfully tried to kill me again. The second time, I didn’t eat any of the pool.

Soggy but surviving,


The Owl Place


Dear diary,

This has been an enriching week for sure. Today we went back to that car place AGAIN, which was not super fun. But I didn’t have to get out of the car today and now mama says her car doesn’t scream anymore. That’s good, I think.

After the car place we went to a place that had lots of owls and LOTS of TVs. I liked looking at all those different TVs. Auntie Sarah was there and I accidentally bit my finger really hard while she was holding me so I yelled a bunch and she made it ok.

My favorite part about the owl place (besides all the ladies with owls on their shirts who smiled at me) was what mama says are balloons. I grabbed and grabbed at them and they had strings that I could hold really good. I tried to bite the balloons but mama and daddy said nono and took them. So I got a little bit mad and hit daddy with the balloon. But I kept playing with it.

There were other babies there too, like my friends Logan and Quinn, and I think I like other babies now. When I smile big at them they smile back at me, just like the baby in the mirror does! I could get used to that.

Dreaming of balloons,

Water Baby


Dear diary,

Mama is full of surprises! Today we went in the car and stopped at a funny place. We went into a room with no windows and mama made me stay on one of those stupid fold-down changing tables. Then she put a funny diaper on me and a pair of shorts that felt weird.

We went into a bigger room that was really loud. There were LOTS of big kids jumping into the very biggest bathtub I’ve ever seen. And then, dear diary, mama took ME into a giant bathtub and – get this – she came in with me! It was really warm and there were other little kids like me in the bathtub with their mamas.

Mama says that we were at a swimming lesson. But I don’t know what that is, and I don’t know if I learned anything. I used a big yellow board to help hold up the octopus I found floating in the giant tub so I could chew on him while I floated too. For a while I laid on my back in the tub, too, but I couldn’t see enough things and kept craning my head backwards. Then my eyeballs were under water and I wasn’t sure I liked that so we went back to being on my tummy and using the board. I chewed on a turtle for the rest of the time. Mama says the tub is called a therapy pool. She uses weird words.

There was a man in the pool who kept talking to all the different babies and he told mama that I’m a water baby. I think I’m just a Finn baby, but it seemed to make mama happy to hear that. I sure do like going to this place.

Just before we got out of the tub/pool the man made the mamas sing a song about wheels on a bus. I was supposed to help with the actions but I was really busy holding the yellow board up so I couldn’t.

Back in the room with no windows mama and I took a shower, which is just like my squirty bottle in the tub at home and I really liked that part too. I hope we go back really soon.

Your water baby,

Squeaky Clean


Dear diary,

A ton of super awesome stuff has been happening in my world this week and I’ve just been far too busy enjoying most of it to write to you. I’m really sorry.

One of the things I love the most (besides doggies and kitties and mama and daddy) is BATH TIME. Holy cow. Every night mama and daddy take me upstairs before bed and we play find my feet, and I pet kitty on the bed even though she sometimes yells at me, and they zerbert my belly AND my back, and then I get to go in the tub.

As soon as I get in the tub I kick my feet like crazy to make waves, and then I smash my hands into the water. Until this week the very best part of my bath was the sprinkler thingy at the end, which always makes me squeal. But then this week, oh diary, this week everything changed.

I got in the tubby and there.were.toys. TOYS in my bath tub. I grabbed at them and they had water in them! And mama squished one and it spit at me which was about the funniest thing ever. Diary, being sick has been no fun at all but those toys made my whole night. Plus, I played so hard with them that afterward I slept the whole night through.

Squeaky clean,

Sick Days


Dear diary,

It looks like these entries aren’t just between you and I, because mama says people want to hear from me more often. She says they maybe look like I do in this picture when I don’t write to you.

I’m sorry it’s been so long since we talked. I’ve been sick and all I wanted to do was cuddly with my mama in the rocking chair and sleep. She says I was a “pitiful Velcro-y leech,” whatever that means. I’m feeling a lot better now even though I still cough a lot.

I have lots to share with you from this past week, stuff I did in the moments when I felt good, thoughts I’m thinking in my brainium. That sort of thing.


Unjustly Accosted


Dear diary,

Stuff keeps coming out of my nose today. At first I thought it was funny and kept reaching up to smear it around and at with it. Now it just makes me mad. Every time I sneeze mama says “ewwww” and viciously attacks my face. I have been accosted more times today than I feel was strictly necessary.

Furthermore, I don’t want to play. I don’t want to do anything but snuggle with mama and daddy or sleep. Oh, but playing with kitty was also fun. For a second.

Mama says I’m sick. I don’t know if I should feel insulted. She says my cough is barky, but I don’t think it sounds anything like my doggies.

Whatever is happening, I hope it stops soon because it makes it hard for me to be my cheery self, and daddy says I look like one of Santa’s elves with my rosy cheeks. Silly daddy. I’m already too big to be an elf.

Snottily yours,

Sticking With Mama


Dear diary,

I don’t know what exactly is happening to me. I know I don’t like it AT ALL. Yesterday mama took me to the place where they strip me to my diaper, and some lady stuck a bottlebrush up my nose. I screamed at her, but then she smiled at me and I couldn’t resist smiling back at her.

All day yesterday and overnight I have stuck with mama. I yell at her if she puts me down because I don’t feel good and I just want her.

The only good thing that has happened is I didn’t have to eat carrots yesterday.


Safe Bet


Dear diary,

Today I decided to play it safe with mama and be a super extra good boy, just to be SURE she doesn’t leave me again.

I ate all of my first breakfast. I played in bouncy and laughed and giggled lots to make sure she thought I was cute. I laughed extra hard when she made stupid faces at me.

I also tried really hard to just buckle down and eat the stupid carrots (did I tell you I figured out that orange cereal is just cereal with CARROTS in it?!) but then I noticed that amazing strap on my high chair… Do you see this thing? Who can concentrate on carrots when this strap is RIGHT THERE waiting for them??

Anyway… For some reason mama didn’t make me eat all the carrots. She threw her hands up in the air (but she didn’t wave ’em like she didn’t care) and unbuckled me to let me play.

Still a good boy,